You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
