I'm lost and stupid without you.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
