Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
