I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I stole a fireplace last night.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
