I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
