I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
