Will you blow on my dice?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
