How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize