I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
