someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
