Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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