He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
