I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
