guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The ass gains better be worth it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
