It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
