I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
