Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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