I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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