Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
