First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
