just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
