I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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