You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
