God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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