is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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