you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
