the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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