did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
