OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
