his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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