im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
