Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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