I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
