remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
