fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
