After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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