Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
