The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
