Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize