i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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