So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
