you guys were way drunker than both of me
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Randomize
