I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize