Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She said her name was "party"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize