thus making me awesome and them whores
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
