OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
