I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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