So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
