He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
