I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize