Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
3 2 1 whiskey
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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