i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
