im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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