So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
