Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
