Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
