you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
