Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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