That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
